-B.O.B. "Airplanes"
I am home from the longest 10 day boat det I have ever been on. For those who are not in the Navy and are unfamiliar with how this all works, let me explain. One does not just go on deployment usually. First we have to get qualified. Pilots need to learn how to land on an aircraft carrier, pilots need to learn how to hit targets...maintainers need to learn how to double check the security on aircraft before sending them off, they need to qualify on certain jobs. It's how we keep the whole process of defending America smooth.
I have heard the worst part are the "work ups"...the time spent qualifying everyone and training. Probably because one does not just leave for a long time and then come back. One leaves for a short period in time and then comes back only to pack up and do it again. Sometimes it's a week, sometimes a month. The time varies. All I know is that this time it is different...
I am leaving my children behind.
This is by far harder than anything I've ever done before. Not the training or qualifying. Not the work. Not even leaving my husband, though I do miss him. It's hard not to think about my children every day and wish I were home rather than floating in the middle of the ocean. It's much harder to stop all the guilty feelings that come along with this.
I really don't know how some women feel or how some women with children can make a career of this. I cannot speak for anyone else. I know some have a hard time with it, others do better. All I know is how I react.
I am scared of the upcoming deployment. I am afraid that I will take it rather badly. I know that they are left in good hands...after all, I wouldn't have married and had babies with a man I felt was not up to the task of being a father. Even so, I wonder what my sons will think. Will they think I have abandoned them? Christian sort of gets it. He knows I leave and then come back. There's only so much a 15-month-old can understand, though.
Sometimes I do well. The days seem to tick by with an effective rhythm. I wake up, go to work...sometimes I spend time with my children. Other times I get off too late and spend most of the day sleeping. Obviously, when I am away, I am away. Routine is my friend, I guess.
Other days I can't help but wish I could turn back time. If I could change my mind and not have reenlisted. I would be home right now. I would have nothing but college to worry about right now. No duty. No watches. No days that I'm left wondering how I'll squeeze in time to see my children. No looming months ahead where I will be gone. I would be home. I would see my children every day no matter what.
I try not to complain. I try to be matter-of-fact with all of this. Am I happy with my present? Not really, but what is there to do? There is no sense in complaining all the time. Still, I feel like most days are internal fights with myself. This is much, much harder than I anticipated.
Still, with every day that passes, that is one day closer to deployment, but one day closer to getting out. I hope my children understand. I hope I don't make this harder than it has to be. I'm trying to take this one day at a time. I really need a shooting star...
Well...I guess I just need to remember that people do this all of the time. This time will fly by....
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